Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the
couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change
a light bulb?
Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get
everything
done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called
Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal
attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who
enjoys work
and refuses to
retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement,
attic or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of
their adult
kids will want
to store stuff
there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going
back to school
as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your
parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't
miss work, but
misses the
people he used
to work
with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING.
Saturday &
Sunday, I
rest.
Just
before the
funeral
services, the
undertaker
came up to the
very elderly
widow and
asked,
'How
old was your
husband?'
'98,' she
replied....
'Two
years older
than me'
'So
you're 96,'
the undertaker
commented..
She
responded,
'Hardly worth
going home, is
it?
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Reporters
interviewing a
104-year-old
woman:
'And
what do you
think is the
best
thing
about
being
104?'
the reporter
asked...
She
simply
replied, 'No
peer
pressure.'
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The
nice thing
about being
senile
is
you
can hide your
own Easter
eggs
and have fun finding them.
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I've
sure gotten
old!
I've
had two bypass
surgeries, a
hip
replacement,
new knees,
fought
prostate
cancer and
diabetes.
I'm half
blind, can't
hear anything
quieter than a
jet
engine,
take
40 different
medications
that
make
me dizzy,
winded, and
subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts
with
dementia.
Have
poor
circulation;
hardly feel
my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
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I
feel like my
body has
gotten totally
out of shape,
so I got my
doctor's
permission
to
join
a fitness club
and start
exercising.
I
decided to
take an
aerobics class
for
seniors.
I
bent, twisted,
gyrated,
jumped up
and
down, and perspired for an hour.
But,
by
the time I got my leotards on,
the
class was
over.
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My
memory's not
as sharp as it
used to
be.
Also,
my memory's
not as sharp
as it used to
be.
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Know
how to prevent
sagging?
Just
eat till the
wrinkles fill
out
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It's
scary when you
start making
the same
noises as your
coffee maker.
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These
days about
half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
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THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant
me the
senility to
forget the
people
I
never liked
anyway, the
good
fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
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Now,
I think you're
supposed to
share this
with 5 or 6,
maybe 10
others.
Oh heck, give
it to a bunch
of your
friends if you
can remember
who they
are!
Always
Remember This:
You
don't stop
laughing
because you
grow old,
You
grow old
because you
stop laughing!
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