The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem to be fairly valid... 

SIMPLE TRUTH 1: 
Lovers help each other undress before sex. 
However, after sex, they always dress on their own. 
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
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SIM PLE TRUTH 2: 
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats." 
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job." 
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle. 
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name. 
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

BONUS RULE: 
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

 

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!