Subject: Truisms

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably
in prison.
When I say,  The other day,  I could be referring to any time
between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Reincarnation:  When you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes
back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next
to you, just stare straight ahead and say  Did you bring the
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say  nothing,  it
does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and
ask,  Why, what did you hear?
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a
goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like  east. 
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere,
makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those
people cops.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb