When
one door closes and another door opens, you are
probably
in
prison.
When
I say, The other day, I could be
referring to any time
between
yesterday and 15 years ago.
I
remember being able to get up without making
sound effects.
I
had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Reincarnation:
When you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes
back
as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your
containers.
If
you're sitting in public and a stranger takes
the seat next
to
you, just stare straight ahead and say Did
you bring the
money?
When
you ask me what I am doing today, and I
say nothing, it
does
not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Age
60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new
midnight.
I
finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me
three days, but
whatever.
I
hate when a couple argues in public, and I
missed the
beginning
and don't know whose side I'm on.
When
someone asks what I did over the weekend, I
squint and
ask,
Why, what did you hear?
When
you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound
like a
goat
chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
When
I ask for directions, please don't use words
like east.
Don't
bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be
boring.
Spend
30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right
out.
Sometimes,
someone unexpected comes into your life out
nowhere,
makes
your heart race, and changes you forever. We
call those
people
cops.
The
older I get, the earlier it gets late.
My
luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb