Muslim suicide bombers in Britain
are set to begin a three-week strike
Wednesday in a dispute over the
number of virgins they are entitled
to in the afterlife. Emergency
talks with Al Qaeda have so far
failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday
when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber
would receive after his death, would
be cut by 25% this February from 72
to 54. A spokesman said increases in
recent years in the number of
suicide bombings, has resulted in a
shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the
British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a
statement saying the move was
unacceptable to its members and
called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Aloud
Bang told the press, "Our members
are literally working themselves to
death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to
be treated like this is like a kick
in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton
in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief
executive Aisheet Mapants explained,
"I sympathize with our workers
concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a
competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity,
there is now a chronic shortage of
virgins in the afterlife. It's a
straight choice between reducing
expenditures or laying people off. I
don't like cutting benefits but I'd
hate to have to tell 3,000 of my
staff that they won't be able to
blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in
the North East of England, Ireland,
Wales and the entire Australian
continent stated that the change
would not hurt their membership as
there are so few virgins in their
areas anyway.
According to some industry
sources, the recent drop in the
number of suicide bombings has been
attributed to Rosie O'Donnell. Many
Muslim Jihadists now know what a
virgin looks like and have
reconsidered their benefit packages.